From Paralyzing Fear to Hopeful Thriving: A Neurodivergent, QTBIPOC’s path to Hope in Trump’s Second Administration
From 2016 - 2020, I was drowning in a sea of fear. The Trump administration’s policies, rhetoric, and relentless attacks on marginalized communities often made me feel like the world was collapsing. As a Queer, Neurodivergent, BIPOC being, I bore witness to the daily onslaught of hate and division that struck at the very core of my existence. For four years, fear consumed me, it dictated how I moved through the world, how I viewed others, and how I thought about the future.
Reflecting now, post inauguration and with another four years ahead, I see more clearly how the fear held me back. I was constantly on edge, my nervous system perpetually locked in fight-flight-freeze-fawn. I doom scrolled every day because I believed “knowing what was being said and done” gave me some sense of control. Yet, every post from all of the activist groups I was a part of, every headline from the news, and every terrible story shared my people I cared for struck another blow to my sense of safety. I feared for my fights, my community, my loved ones, and our collectively safety. This overwhelming weight was suffocating. And I didn’t know if I would ever breathe easily again.
What I know now, that I wish I knew then, is how much that fear robbed me of my joy, connection, and ability to imagine and manifest the kind of world I wanted for myself and everyone. I build a cage of thorns around my heart and called it my “safe space,” harming myself all the while repeating a convincing narrative in my head that I was safe so long as I kept up to date on every little thing happening at all times.
As the administration changed in 2021, I came to a crossroads. The external threat had shifted, but the internal damage left lingering scars. Even though Trump was no longer in office, my nervous system had rewired itself over those four years and I no longer had a concept of what joy felt like. In fact, I had so much trauma in my body that peace felt triggering. And if anyone was enjoying life during those four years, I perceived them as a threat, even if they came from my community and represented one of my numerous identities.
So, it was time for a change. I had to consciously decide to live a life no longer defined by fear. I became curious about what an expansive life looked like for myself. One rooted deeply in hope, joy, and the radical belief that healing is possible, even in the face of systemic oppression.
Getting Real With Myself
Before I coul shift to a life of deep love and hope, I had to get real with my bullshit. No matter how validated, and how self-righteous I felt in the moments in which my outrage lead to immense harm to myself and others, I still had to confront that I had hurt myself and others deeply. I became estranged from virtually everyone in my life, and any time someone tried to pull me back towards hope, I accused them of being incredibly callous about the threat to my existence.
I had to learn that what I did to those I cared for wasn’t okay. I also had to learn that I was allowed to forgive myself for the harm I caused. This too, was an intentional process, but as a great psychiatrist once said:
“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” - Carl Jung
Choosing hope isn’t just about leaning into light, but about understanding where the darkness come from. How fear can rationalize all of the destructive patterns you have. And how the most harmful, addictive behaviors, can serve a purpose during the time you engage, but at some time you have to let go and learn to shift how you show up in the world. So, the first step is this: Be honest with yourself. It doesn’t mean you have to be harsh, or cruel, or filled with shame, but only by bringing that to light can you hope to change things.
Choosing Hope
After confronting those shadows that lay within me. I knew it wasn’t enough to just stew in my pain, I had to explore avenues for healing. And to achieve this, I had to start small. I began changing my social media algorithm to favor content surrounding psychology, healing, and adorable animals. When it came to stories about my communities, instead of looking for the pain I began seeking the helpers, and the people who were coming out stronger and filled with celebration and gratitude for life. I made a point to surround myself with voices of joyful liberation and possibility, instead of relying heavily on oppression and despair to validate my own pain. Hope is a muscle, and to get better at finding hope I first had to get into th e practice of strengthening my capacity for hope.
I also made a point to reconnect somatically. As an ADHD girlie it’s really easy for me to get lost in the constant stream of ruminating thoughts. Sometimes, I would convince myself that further traumatizing myself by looking at a situation for every possible, catastrophic angle would protect me, but in reailty it just hurt me even more. I instead began engaging with breathwork, tantric screaming, and dance, inviting myself to sit deeply with my difficult feelings and allowing them to move through me. I often think about that powerful quote from Frank Herbert’s Dune.
“I must not Fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn my inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
By allowing fear to pass through me, instead of clinging to it for dear life, I was able to see clearly that my capacity to show up for the collective was greatly diminished by my unmanaged fear, and rage. When I fully and courageously tuned into my body, I discovered that it held not only fear, but an incredible capacity for joy.
Embracing Joy As Resistance
Joy is a radical act. When we confront oppression with joy we are staking our claim on this Earth as beings who have every right to be here regardless of what the oppressor may try to claim. Embracing joy is the cornerstone of my healing journey and the work I share with clients. No longer am I suffocated by my fear, though it is still present, but I can find moments to carve out presence and gratitude in joy. I dance in my living room with my partner. I loudly cackle like the witch I am with friends. I create art for the sake of it and not to be consumed for profit. And I take moments to appreciate this beautiful world we live in. By embracing joy, I’ve empowered myself to shift beyond a perpetual survival state, I am truly thriving and living.
By living in joy I’m also deepening my connection with others. Where fear trapped me in isolation, Joy has connected me. Where Fear kept me restricted, joy keeps me expanded. Where fear put up walls around my heart, joy has allowed me to soften to others. My relationships have become more authentic, and I am no longer abiding those who do not respect my boundaries. By being my most authentic self, no longer conquered by fear, I have built healthier relationships and can continue offering this healing to everyone I come into contact with. Together with my numerous conections I’ve made for this version of myself, I have the privilege of collaborating with beings interested in co-creating a present and future oriented towards abundance and thriving.
Co-Creating a New Path Forward under Trump’s Second Term
The journey from Fear to Hope is an ongoing process. There are days, and are going to be more days where the fear can feel almost paralyzing. Where the temptation to fall back on old patterns and behaviors will be incredibly tempting. Stress chemicals are like drugs to those old neuropathways and it falls on me to take responsibility for my reactivity. Yet, the beautiful thing is I now have the tools to navigate fear, and I can choose hope again, and again, and again.
As a Queer, Neurodivergent, Filipinx person, I’ve come to understand that my existence is a testament to how wonderful this world is. I’ve survived darkness, yes, but my victory didn’t come through survival, it came through carving out my suffering planting seeds of love and compassion in the hole left behind. My thriving and my open-heartedness for all beings is the most powerful act of resistance I can offer the world.
If you’re reading this, and you are feeling the overwhelming weight of fear in your own life, know that you’re not alone. Healing, joy, hope, compassion, love, creativity, all of this can be yours and more. And, what’s better, is that you can take all of that abundance, and turn your pain into poetry. You can turn your heart towards collective wellbeing anchored in these qualities of Hope and Love.
If you’re eager for this, I would encourage you to join me and a beautiful community in my master class tomorrow, Saturday, January 25th at 12 PM EST on Zoom for my class “Harvesting Hope Amidst Fear.”
I will see you there my love.
