The Pain and Power of Estrangement
Estrangement is a word that has been coming up a lot around me. Part of it is because my community is comprised of Queer, and Neurodivergent beings who have had to spend their entire lives in the closet and under a mask. Yet, another part of it is because I have so dilligently surrounded myself with people who are radically and unapologetically dedicating themselves to healing. Often times there is this perspective of “Yes! Go you! Girlboss!” when folx finally choose estrangement from toxic family and relational systems. Yet the truth is hardly ever so simple. Whether you are the one who chose to walk away, or the one who was left behind, the grief can be complex and long-lasting. Society and cultures place immense pressure on maintaining familial bonds, and often times those who choose estrangement are the ones who are made to feel like the villains in their own stories, or like the family black sheeps. This can make estrangement feel isolating, or even shameful. Yet, the radical truth is that sometimes distance is absolutely necessary for growth, healing, and thriving.
Why does Estrangement Happen?
It can be easy to fall into the trap of feeling like you are selfish, or heartless for choosing to no longer engage with the people who were around you most of your life. So, I’m here to gently remind you that estrangement doesn’t happen in a vaccuum. While the people you are estranged from may feel like it has happened out of nowhere, this too often is a result of not being cognizant of the quiet pressures and harm you have been enduring for the entirety of your life. Here are some of the most common reasons why estrangement occurs:
Abuse and Toxicity: While estrangement due to physical or sexual abuse is most often lauded. Too often there isn’t as much consideration for emotional abuse. You may have decided to become estranged because too often you have been the scapegoat for interfamiliar conflicts, or have been put down one time too many. In this case, stepping away is an act of self-protection.
Unresolved Trauma: So many of us carry trauma from our childhoods. When you start navigating new relationships, you may realize that you are repeating patterns of behaviors from childhood, and so decide to begin your heailng journey to address them. At this point, you may realize that certain dynamics are preventing your progress and so need to create space to become the fullest version of yourself.
Boundaries Not Being Respected: Contrary to popular belief, boundaries are not “stop doing this.” Nor are boundaries punishments. Boundaries are established because you want to maintain a relationship with the person on terms that are equitable to both of you. Yet, if they are unable to respect your boundaries, and keep invading your personal space, harshly criticizing your life choices, or disrespecting your identity, it can create a breaking point.
Religious or Political Differences: Perhaps prevalent now more than ever. While political differences and religious differences can occur. If such differences are direct targets on one’s own sense of self and self-esteem it can lead to estrangement. As evident by the many family and relationship break ups in light of the 2024 election.
Neglect or Indifference: Sometimes, the absence of emotional support is just as painful as outright conflict. Feeling unheard, unseen, or unvalued can drive a person to create distance.
The Emotional Toll of Estrangement
Estrangement is rarely an easy choice. Even when it is necessary, it can bring a mix of grief, guilt, anger, and relief. If you initiated the separation may feel shame or question whether they made the right decision. And if you were left behind may struggle with rejection, confusion, or resentment.
Society’s emphasis on "family above all" can make this process even harder. Many people assume that reconciliation should always be the goal, but in reality, not all relationships are meant to be repaired. It doesn’t mean you don’t hold out hope for that on either side of the fence, but there has to be evidence of work being done, otherwise the same toxic cycles that led to estrangement in the first plae will repeat. Remember, healing looks different for everyone.
How to Heal From Estrangement
Whether you were the one who walked away or the one who was left behind, healing is possible. Here’s how you can navigate the journey:
If You Chose Estrangement:
Acknowledge Your Pain and Guilt: Walking away doesn’t mean you won’t grieve. Allow yourself to feel the loss, even if it was your choice.
Seek Support: Therapy, support groups, or trusted friends can provide validation and guidance as you process your emotions. The most important thing here is to create a space in which you can feel heard and validated, without the other person “dumping on.” It can be easy to be the friend who says “Well they’re monsters!” etc. But doing so may take away your own processing of the complex emotions you are going through.
Reaffirm Your Boundaries: Remember that at the end of the day, you are the only one who can best advocate for yourself. It can be tempting to fall back on old patterns of behaviors, but by removing yourself from those environments you are opening up the possibility of creating a new mode of functioning. Your well-being above all else will allow you to better show up as a friend, parent, partner, etc.
Find Chosen Family: Part of estrangement is the recognition that you weren’t able to be your fullest self around certain people. Yet, the more you get to know yourself, the more you will attract those who love the most authentic version of you. Open yourself up to building a community of people who unconditionally love and respect you to fill the void left by those you had to let go of.
If Estrangement Was Forced Upon You:
Give Yourself Permission to Grieve: There is probably a lot of anger and confusion that you are feeling. Remember, at the heart of all of that is grief for the loss, and possibly some guilt as well. Giving yourself the time and space to grieve and process that guilt can allow you to find a new path forward.
Resist the Urge to Chase Closure: The most crucial thing you can do is respect the boundary. Remember their “why” and accept it as it was expressed, if it was expressed. If you are able to accept this as closure you can give yourself the necessary space to sit with the pain.
Reflect, But Fall into a Pit of Shame and Blame: If you were granted insight into what went wrong, this is a great opportunity to reflect on your own trauma history and how you got there. Just as estrangement doesn’t happen in a vaccuum, the behaviors that may have led to estrangement were likely inherited. By allowing yourself to deeply self-reflect, you can begin the work of healing the intergeneratoinal trauma that your Adult Child or partner has refused to inherit.
Focus on Self-Healing: Self-healing is about more than going to yoga, using sound bowls, or lighting a lot of incense. This will be a potential Dark Night of the Soul period for you to really build a deep understanding of the ways that you may have dishonored and betrayed yourself in life. Odds are that you and your estranged being trigger each other a lot. This time apart can give enough space to get to know yourself deeply out of reactivity so you can lean into love without judgment or criticism.
Moving Forward
Estrangement is not an easy path, but it is sometimes the healthiest choice. Healing doesn’t always mean reconciliation; it means finding peace with where you are. Whether that involves rebuilding the relationship in a new way or accepting that some doors must remain closed, your well-being is what matters most.
You are allowed to grieve. You are allowed to heal. And most importantly, you are allowed to create a life that honors your emotional needs, with or without the people you once called family.
If your adult child is estranged from you, know that some part of them still hurts from the decision. There’s so much grief tied to it, and part of that some part of them grief is missing you, even if they know they can’t be around you. Healing can only happen when the nervous system is no longer in survivial mode, and sometimes estrangement is a necessary step to get there. Rather than focusing on repairing the relationship, I would recommend focusing on repairing yourself so that - if the opportunity arises - you will be able sit in presence with each other and see each other as full humans.
If this blog resonated with you, I invite you to sign up for my next “pay what you can” Master Class a week from today on Saturday, February 22nd “From Estranged to Empowered.” In this class I will dive into the neuroscience of estrangement, attachment, and authenticity, and offer some practices for you to recover and become your fullest self.
If you can’t attend live, no worries, the playback will be available for up to a week afterwards!
With love,
Jemarc
