Happy Deathiversary To Me

This one is going to be a little different, CW for suicide, grief, and CPTSD

A year ago today, on May 17th 2021 I sat at a restaurant across from my partner of 6 years, and wife of 3 of those wonderful years and self-destructed.

For seemingly no reason while we were talking I became extremely overwhelmed, agitated, defensive, and combative.

They asked. "What's going on? Where is this coming from?" And for the life of me I struggled to find the answer.

I felt like the world was closing in on me. My vision narrowed to whatever fix point I turned my head towards, the sounds were overwhelming, and I felt like I was drowning in a tsunami of sensations.

And then it hit me.

I didn't want to be alive anymore.

Despite having said farewell to my therapist the previous November.

I once again found myself in a place where I was not safe in my mind.

And no wonder!

I lost my grandfather in January.

I had no room to grieve as I desperately tried to keep from being fired from my job.

And then Stop Asian Hate grew immensely and I was reminded every day that I wasn't safe in the world because of the circumstances of my birth. People wanted to kill me simply for existing.

I tried to find solace in a lot of different things, the big one being my production company and tabletop/scifi dramedy podcast that I had built. I threw myself into furthering my skills in production, sound design, music composition, graphic design and artistry, all for a small audience of fans.

I threw myself in my work because I didn’t want to confront what was becoming a very grim reality for myself at the time: The world was perpetually telling me that I was not enough.

And I wanted so desperately for someone to tell me I was worthy of being around, and I wanted even more desperately to believe them. 

What some of you may be aware of, is that for three years of our relationship I was the full-time caregiver for Ezra. Their CPTSD had manifested into physical symptoms like Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, leaving us in a three year personal hell where the “good” days were rare, and precious. 

Ezra needed me. But even more than that I needed them. 

By being married to someone with such severe health problems I could convince myself that I was a “good” person. And that I was “enough.” 

But when they got better, I no longer had that source of validation.

I was no longer needed. 

And all that was left was bitter resentment, anger, and a life defined by suffering. 

The day I realized I didn’t want to be alive anymore and could name that thought is the day that version of myself died. 

Like an animal cornered, my ego self-righteously threw everything it had at my partner about all of the “years wasted” and the “sacrifice” and how I gave “everything” for something that was not remotely their fault. 

And as a result they suggested that we might need to get a divorce. 

And rightly so. My behaviors were causing so much harm, and clearly being around them was perpetuating my narratives in my head. 

Maybe we needed to be separated so that we wouldn’t hurt each other anymore.

Fortunately, Ezra and I had built in conversational tools for when we were too overwhelmed to properly communicate. 

In my haze, my deep grief and rage I asked, “What can I do to support you?”

And my partner responded, “I don’t know, I feel numb.”

Those words cut through the haze and found their place in my heart. 

This being, my dear love, who I had gone through hell with. All of the trips to the emergency room, the canceled plans, the endless weeks holding space while they were in too much pain physically and mentally to move, their own attempt that landed them in the psyche ward. I witnessed someone come back from a space of survival to actually thriving. They fulfilled their dream of getting into med school. More easily made friends. Hiked and exercised often. And still managed to find the time to be loving. Yet, because of my actions, they were numb.

At that moment. I had the privilege of witnessing with great clarity, just how much my suffering had perpetuated the suffering of others in my life.

The person I was died.

Despite having been a strong advocate for mental wellness for a long time, and having my own steady practice, I realized that I had been intellectualizing instead of fully embodying the work.

I was very good at doing “just enough” to consider myself someone who was doing the work.

But I always left room for my neurotic and self destructive habits to shine through

“I can’t do this fully now…”

“I can definitely do this in a few months!”

“Now isn’t the right time”

“I can’t afford it”

The stories were endless. 

And I’m not saying that life circumstances aren’t different for everyone. 

And I’m not saying that finances aren’t something that should be taken into consideration, and - mind you - compared to a lot of people on Earth I have a lot of privilege to be grateful for.

But the shift was that nothing and no-one, including and especially myself, would get in the way of my healing.

My healing became my number one priority because I made it my number one nonnegotiable. 

It had to be. 

I often joke that “I chose healing because I was such a crunchy, angry bitch. If it didn’t work out I could always go back to being a crunchy, angry bitch” and - while hilarious - there is some truth to this. 

I had nothing to lose, and everything to gain from taking my healing seriously.

I put in a three month leave at my day job that evening.

I set boundaries with everyone I needed to set boundaries with.

I cried. And then I cried some more.

And not because I was afraid of losing my partner.

Not even because I was afraid of losing the life and world I built for myself.

But because I could not, would not, continue being the type of person who constantly hurts others while in a state of survival.

Now I get to live a life where I am constantly asking “How does this benefit all sentient beings?”

Whether it’s nurturing my creativity, meditating deeply on impermanence, or playing a fun video game. I always consciously reflect on how my self-care allows me to show up, and be of service to others!

As a teacher, a spiritual guide, as a human being, I want every decision I make to be rooted in my sincere desire to live my life as a PerMissionary of Authenticity and Compassion.

So if you - like the Jemarc a year ago - are curious about a world outside of trauma and overwhelm, I would like to invite you to nurture that feeling!

Get curious! Ask yourself about your relationships, your state of inner peace, how often you really thrive in joy and outside of stress.

There is no better time to choose you, and to heal than right now. And there are 100 creative ways to say that you’re not ready.

The person I was a year ago is so vastly different than who I am now. Hell, the person I am now is unlike any version of myself throughout 29 years of life.

And now I have the honor of showing up fully, and completely as myself. 

My need to feel worthy comes from within.

My joy, compassion, love and wisdom are all innate.

I’m the only one who can define whether or not I am enough.

And I am so lucky to have achieved this now in this lifetime.

My dear love if you are curious, hungry, and eager for a major transformational shift. Then please know you are welcome to reach out and I would be honored to support you. 

I would much rather support you now, while you are keen, as opposed to you ending up where I was, or even more so where my partner was, when the decision was very nearly taken from our hands.